Slide Guitar Is Better Than Virtually Anything, But Especially These 25 Things
Slide guitar has long been the most pleasing instrument. That couldn’t be more obvious. But only recently did it occur to humankind that the slide guitar might be the most pleasing thing on Earth, period. There is considerable evidence to support this notion. For instance, here are just a few of the things a slide guitar is superior to:
1. Sunsets
2. Shetland ponies
3. Caramel
4. Sophia Loren, circa 1960 (barely)
5. Snow days
6. Kobe beef
7. Kobe Bryant
8. A bucket of movie theater popcorn, with butter meticulously applied to each individual piece
9. Winning a Grammy (unless that Grammy involves the playing of slide guitar)
10. A six-beer buzz that’s sustained for six hours without descending into incoherence
11. The penthouse suite, stocked with Penthouse magazines
12. The combined volume of every audience reaction to every Jerry Seinfeld joke, ever
13. The Indian Ocean
14. Billy Ocean (although if he gets in back seat, baby, look out…)
15. Key Lime Pie infused with oxytocin
16. Having your lips super-glued to a barrel of Maker’s Mark
17. Winning the Kentucky Derby (unless you’re the horse itself)
18. Floating down a lazy river with a case of beer, a few good friends and not a care in the world
19. The birth of your sixth child
20. Being tapped to run for Vice President (also: being Vice President)
21. Florida and Texas combined
22. Cherry Garcia (but not Jerry Garcia, because he played a mean slide guitar)
23. Wesley Snipes’ ass in Jungle Fever (again, barely)
24. The property values in Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood
25. Reading Rainbow (and just rainbows in general)