Putting the “Fun” Back in Sexual Dysfunction — A Top Ten List

You know the old saying — you’ve probably heard it before: “Don’t worry… it happens to everyone.”  At that point and time, you don’t believe it.  You can’t believe it.  Has everyone really been lying there in the dark with an unsatisfied woman/man and no ability to do anything about it?  Or what about having a woman/man who, on a scale of one to ten, is easily a twelve and she’s rip-roaring and ready and you have to face a moral crisis about whether or not to tell her you currently are infested with creepy, crawly crabs?  What about that?  Does that happen to everyone?

I didn’t write the Bible, but if I did, I would make that the new John 3:16.  For God so loved the world, that he equated good deeds with sexual heroics on command without use of pill, prayer or essence of rhino horn.  But that’s not going to happen, is it?  No man who tinkered with the scribbling of Scripture ever bothered to make mention of one of the greatest sins of all time: sexual dysfunction.

So be not dismayed!  For although saints and apostles neglected to mention it, many very important songwriters did.  And next time you hear the words “It happens to everyone,” rest assured that even if it didn’t, Mick Jagger wrote a fucking song about it, which is good enough for me.  So pop a pill, say a prayer, and snort some rhino horn, but do it to some Rolling Stones or some Howlin’ Wolf and get those “Rocks Off!”

10. “Mama Keep Your Yes Ma’am Clean” – Walter Cole

It’s hard enough out there, with all the pressures of performance to keep a good man erect during a… um, sermon.  What, with the stresses from work, the need to please, wondering if your butt looks good for the hidden camera… But add to all this a dirty yes ma’am and there is no quicker recipe for flaccidity.  But in the bedroom at the moment of conflagration is not the appropriate time to discuss such a topic.  Rather, as soon as you read this post — hell, before you move on to #9 — grab a little dab of vinegar and water and get in there and scrub out your yes ma’am.  Get it clean.  Because sometimes it’s your fault.

9. “Ring of Fire” – Johnny Cash

So there is a pretty good chance that this one is a bit of a reach, but if you’ve ever dated a girl with recurring maladies, you end up giving her all kinds of nicknames.  Plus, how many times have you sat in the doctor’s waiting room, itching away and singing “it burns, burns, burns…”  Now, in this context, please click on the link and listen to the song, lyric by lyric and tell me it’s not applicable.  Puts June Carter Cash (rest her precious soul) in an entirely new light.

8. “The Red Rooster” – Howlin’ Wolf

A lazy red rooster is a horrible thing, but one way to wake it up is to put on some Howlin’ Wolf.  There’s a reason why boner pills use his “Smokestack Lightning” to sell their blessed products.  Mark Humphrey described Wolf’s gravelly voice and singing style as being like “shattered glass dragged over hot asphalt.”  His music is velvet, the rhythms smooth and bumping.  He was a bandleader, not just a frontman.  He controlled every instrument, note and sound that went into the making of his records.  And if you fear how he would feel about his music being used to peddle prick pills, I think he would be quite pleased.

7. “She Made My Blood Run Cold” – Ike Turner

This song details a horrible physiological condition that a man incurs after making time with a lady.  All sorts of maladies have been documented throughout time that involve fooling around with women with dirty yes ma’ams, but something that causes “icicles to hang from my eyes” and something that sends “cold chills all through my bones” is just horrible.  This probably explains why Ike resorted to physical violence so often with his ladies: to warm up his blood.

6. “Roses on her Skin” – Holy Moly

A dirty yes ma’am can lead to many physical maladies, one of such is “roses on the skin,” which is a poetic way to describe dirty, puss-filled lesions.  While some girls may be just so amazingly hot, lesions should never be ignored.  Every good baseball fan knows there is ninety feet between second and third base and usually you should go looking for the shortstop.  And by shortstop I mean roses on her skin.  And by roses, remember: we mean lesions.  Most of the time they are red, just like a stop sign.  So remember my old adage: No matter how beautiful she is, no matter how drunk you are — someone, somewhere is scratching like mad.

5. “Too Drunk to Fuck” – Dead Kennedys

Again, we will file this under “Her Fault.”  If it didn’t take so much booze at the bar to get you back to the house, we’d be dancing the limbo right now on the futon, but instead you only like me after the fourth Jager bomb, so this is your punishment, not mine, because honestly, I wouldn’t remember it anyway.

4. “Relax” — Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Not to sound like a heel here, but we can file this under “Her Fault.”  Seriously, it is not my fault that you can’t get off unless one leg is over my head and the other is under the bed and I have to do six and a half minutes of steady pressure here and then alternating fast and slow, all this after twenty minutes of foreplay and the aforementioned four Jager bombs, dinner, and a courting dance that looks like something ripped straight from Medieval Times.  Life is about adaptability, survival of the fittest.  I say you’ve got a good three minutes tops, so get in there and get your money’s worth and quit blaming everyone else for your problems.

3. “My Pencil Won’t Write No More” – Bo Carter

If you can listen to this song without crying then you are a bigger man than me.

2. “I Can’t Be Satisfied” – Muddy Waters

It was a toss-up between one of Muddy’s first recorded songs (this one) and one of his most famous (“Got My Mojo Working“).  “Mojo” rocks, especially because it’s about a dude who gets lots of action, but can’t shake it with the one he likes so he has to go “down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand,”  which is a lot of fun to explicate.  However “Satisfied” is exemplary because it details a different dysfunction: sexual addiction. 

1. “Detachable Penis” – King Missile

The mark of a truly great sexual dysfunction is the ability for it to make people both fear it and desire it at the same time.  Oh, the horrors of having a detachable penis… oh, the wonders!  What if the old penis could be operated like one of those breathalyzer machines installed in the car of a man with too many DUIs?  Or if you could leave it at home before heading off to a place where you just know you’d get in too much trouble?  However, as King Missile details in their wonderful early 90s classic, it is very easy to misplace and then hijinks could ensue.  And, as we’ve discussed in this top ten, hijinks always come at a price.

Did I miss any?  Don’t be shy.  Scratch that itch by commenting below!  Or better yet: come see me at http://reverenderyk.blogspot.com