Willie’s Drug Bust (Don’t Legalize It, Royalize It!)

Yesterday, Willie Nelson was reportedly busted with six ounces of pot by the U.S. Border Patrol in Sierra Blanca, Texas. Apparently, Nelson had to post $2,500 in bond money prior to being released. A court date is forthcoming, and Nelson could potentially face 180 days in the county jail (though I’m guessing that’s unlikely.) No matter the fines imposed along with other penalties, I’m guessing it will not come anywhere near covering the combined cost of the prorated salaries paid to the border agents, processing officers, judges, clerks, bailiffs, and prosecutors involved. Nor will they cover the electricity bills, jailhouse bologna, steel bars, or fingerprint ink procured from our tax dollars in the failed and misguided efforts toward prohibition. I won’t rattle on about how prohibition actually encourages violence and crime, how much safer weed is compared to alcohol, tobacco, or prescription drugs, or what a boon to the economy taxing it could be rather than giving all the money to drug cartels (not to mention the increased tax revenue from Doritos and Twinkies). For whatever reason, Americans seem content to waste money on a failed and dangerous policy of criminalizing a mildly intoxicating (if not sometimes annoying) plant. After California’s recent defeat of Prop 19, it seems less and less likely that prohibition will end anytime soon. Perhaps it’s time to think a little more creatively about chipping away at marijuana laws while generating needed revenue in the process. It’s time to issue weed permits to artists and take a cut of their royalties. If we can’t legalize it, let’s royalize it!

In many states across the country, we’ve already conceded that marijuana has special benefits to those with chronic illnesses and other medical conditions. Do we really need a scientific study to determine that weed offers profound benefits to songwriters, musicians, writers, and filmmakers? As Exhibit A, I submit the complete discographies of Mr. Nelson, the Grateful Dead, Snoop Dog, Black Sabbath, Bob Marley, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Phish, and, let’s see… the entire catalog of every major label from the years 1967 to 1977. Without weed, the Grammy awards show would last about fifteen minutes, comprised only of the Polka, Gospel, and Spoken Word categories. Let’s face it, these musicians have enjoyed their free lunch too long (and it’s a two hour lunch break in which they return red-eyed, giggly, and barely capable of changing your oil.) We lavish these artists with huge record sales, concert revenue, and overpriced T-shirts while they smoke the best weed, stumble into the studio hazily inspired, and generate enough income along the way to hire slick lawyers who make sure their weed busts amount to little more than a slap on the roach clip. Enough is enough! It’s time for an enlightened, reality-based policy that concedes these artists gain special benefits from pot. We needn’t harass them as we did Mr. Nelson yesterday. A simple permit based on a combination of record sales and critical praise is a good first step towards a saner policy.

The process would be simple. Drug-testing would be mandatory before all recording sessions to determine an artist’s pot use or non-use. Those testing negative are free to record without a permit or royalty structure (no one really buys their records anyway…) Artists testing positive can purchase a “professional use” permit on an annual basis for, say, a $10,000 fee. Failure to purchase permit bars them from the right to record guitar solos longer than three musical measures, use traditional percussion instruments of any sort, or write lyrics with bizarre adjective/noun relationships (like “electric funeral” or “chocolate whale.”) Less psychedelic musicians like Mr. Nelson whose use is more in line with finding a Zen place to write heartfelt songs would be barred from making lyrical reference to any geographic locations or forlorn emotional states, and also from wearing denim. While such measures may seem draconian, they could be offset by the benefit of having the right to smoke freely anywhere, any time of day, and have their weed government issued and specially selected by Marion Barry.

In addition to the permit fee, artists’ recordings, concert revenue, and merchandise sales would be subject to a minimal royalty structure of 0.25% of profits. This fee would be retroactive for artists opting into the program. Special committees would be appointed to determine the use of weed on back catalogs by those artists who currently live a life of sobriety after harder drugs led them to ruin hotel rooms, marriages, or one of their vacation homes. I suspect this modest royalty fee, only 0.25% of their profits both past and present, could generate enough income to pave a few roads, build a couple of schools, and supply lifetime healthcare and catering services to all American citizens. Peter Tosh, we need you to posthumously record an updated and altered version of “Legalize It” (once you have your permit in order.) Royalize It.